I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

Remember all the good times that we had

We let them slip away from us when things got bad

Clearly I first saw you, smiling in the sun

I want to feel your warmth upon me, I want to be the one

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired, I can't sleep

Standin' on the edge of something much too deep

It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word

We are screaming inside, we can't be heard

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose

Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose

Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night

Gave me everything he had, oh he gave me life

And I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

Weep not for the memories

Ha..... so, I realise I only wrote in this like... the other night... and um, we actually got that sorted. We agreed to start communicating better, talking to each other and understanding each other better... and to stop worrying about things that are beyond our control... life is too short and if you take life too seriously.... your doomed.
We also agreed that we never actually had a ''dating period'' ...we rushed into things far too soon and we are already like a married couple! Instead of going out, having fun... going for meals, going on walks... going to the movies... fun, sweet stuff like that... we both just came out of serious relationships and just picked up where we left off... went straight into living in each others pockets and serious life from day one... moving in together, moving house, decorating, getting pets... engaged... Beth constantly working, me constantly cleaning... the both of us sleeping all day... we dont spend enough time together... so we decided it's time for a break... a vacation... so we can spend time together, appreciating each other and the good things in life.... not the bad! So on Monday we're going camping, in the mountains for a few days.....

Anyway... that was the idea... until... today..... Beth came home early from work... we showered together and then we made love... and after, we laid in bed talking to each other.... then for some reason, Sasha was brought up... and Beth asked me to be honest with her... about everything, because she said she thought there was more to the story... she asked me to be honest with her... she asked me the last time I kissed her... I said before my first visit... and then she asked me the last time we had sex........ ugh... and stupid me, told her..... it was the same week I moved here... she promised me she would forgive me if I was honest and that the past was in the past... that was the only reason I told her! and oh my god... did I regret that... she was not cool... she got up... I tried to pull her back and hug her but she pulled away from me and told me she needed a minute... I thought okay.. fair enough..... she got up and I said where are you going... she was looking for her car keys... she told me she was going to get a cigerette... when she promised me she wasn't going to smoke ever again... and she did.... anyway...... she left.... I felt like complete utter shit.... I felt like a cheater all over again..... it was horrible..... I didn't know what to do... I thought she was going to send me home... after a while, she shouted me from outside... to come and sit with her... it was freezing... it was like 6am in the morning, had only just got light... but I went out there, sat and listened to her.... I couldn't look her in the eyes... she was so upset... she said she knew we probably would have, but she had no idea it was so close to me moving here... she thought maybe before my first visit...... after we talked for a while.... she told me, that if I wanted to be with her.... I had to stop ALL contact with Sasha whatsoever from now on... No messages, phone calls... nothing.... and if she found one message to her from me. That would be it. Over. So.... I agreed... I didn't want to lose Beth.... I went onto facebook and deleted her from my friends... Beth sent her a message telling her I had a choice if I wanted to stay in Beth's life... and that it was her or Beth.

So.... after that..... Beth went to bed... I went and got into bed with her.... she wasn't talking to me... I felt like shit, and just cried..... cried and cried... I didn't know what to do... I figured it was over, I couldn't do it.... not again.... the guilt was too much.... I couldn't live like it again, it would be the same as living with Sasha.... Beth would never forgive me.... it would always be brought up and I would be made to feel like shit all the time.... so.... I went into the bathroom..... first I threw up... from all the crying.... and then I sat on the floor.... looking at the medicine box.... thinking.... this is it... my lifes over now.... I'm losing the love of my life to my own stupidity.... I'm a fucking prick... I cant even hold onto one fucking relationship, I'm just a fucking lieing, cheating bitch that deserves to just be alone forever..... so, I opened the box.... searched out the strongest pills I could find... Zoloft and some blood pressure pills of Beth's.... I took all 33 out of the packets..... I sat there for a minute.... thinking.... wondering if it would be enough.... I then thought to myself... if I do this... if I really do it, it has to work..... not like last time.... I have to pass out.... before I'm found... so... I figured I would wait, until Beth left for work.... so I put them in my pocket and went into the bedroom to lie down..... Beth was in the other room... I fell asleep.... she came in and asked me about an email she found from Sasha.... great, now she's just proved my point... she's paranoid.... But I told her the truth... and that it wasn't what she thought... we sat there for a while in silence... then she told me, she didn't think she could do it... she didn't see how this was going to work.... so... I asked her if that was it now... and did she want me to go home.... she couldn't answer me... I said, look... Beth... dont mess me about, DO YOU WANT ME TO GO HOME? Yes or no? She still couldn't answer me.... so I said, okay.... I take that as a yes then, and she said... I dont know Loren... I dont know.... and walked out the room.... I laid there for a second, and thought.... fuck this.... it's over, for sure.... and I got up, went into the kitchen to get a glass of water..... went into the bedroom with it.... and Beth followed me... asked me what I was doing.... I said nothing.... I needed a drink..... we then stood in the bedroom for a while talking.... I was wondering when she was going to leave so I could just swallow the pills and it be over..... and then she changed her tune.... she told me she can get over it and see past this.... but never again.... and she said.... if you want this to work you can come in here and talk to me if not.... and you want to leave, then leave.... your choice.. and walked out..... I sat on the bed.... thinking.... now what do I do? ....I didn't want to do it now, I changed my mind.... so I put the pills away in my purse.... laid on the bed.... Beth came in.... stood next to the bed, asked me again if I wanted to make it work..... I looked at her..... and pulled her towards me and hugged her...... we laid there for a while..... then I told her about the pills.... she told me if I had taken just 3 of her blood pressure pills... my heart would slowly start to stop.... and I would be dead.... the ambulance would have given me cpr and if that hadn't worked I would be dead and there would be nothing they could do.... so.... she asked me where they were.... at first I told her they were down the toilet... and then I told her where they really were.... because I didn't trust myself.... she found them, and then went into the bathroom.... took all the pills... every single one in the box... and flushed them all down the toilet..... so..... that was it..... she came back in.... we laid back in bed.... and fell asleep......


So..... I dont know.... I dont know if this is going to work.... I want it to.... I dont want to lose her.... She is my whole life, all I have now.... my everything, my future....... my every thought, wish, hope....... if I lose her I have nothing left...... I just wouldn't care anymore.... that would be the end for me......
I hope she can look past this, and see that it was in the past..... it was before I got here, before I knew her, before I realised the true extent of my feelings for her........ and now, it's just me and her.... that's all that matters.... not Sasha.... she's my past now..... Beth is my life.... for better of worse.